There’s a state of self obsession that surpasses every kind of love, it’s called “Selfish”.
As a teenager every thing you’re told is directed to your own best interests. “Patience is virtue”, “tell the truth always and it shall set you free”, “once beaten, twice shy”, “love your neighbour as you love your self”,”there’s love in sharing” and so on. What’s common in all these advices? You. If you don’t tell the truth, you won’t be set free, if you don’t have patience for something it would pass you by, likewise the rest. It all sums up to you being the best you can. At the end of the day, whether you loved or lost, you are the only one left to say exactly how the story went. In some way, this made me believe that being a teenager was more of building myself and growing up to teach others, when I’m certain I know better.
Self love is totally different from being selfish. Self love is a good way of being selfish. Growing up selfish has made it quite difficult for me to know when I’m passing the limit of self love into being selfish. You can love the way you are but when you let the way you are blind you from getting to know others or even considering their own features, that is when it becomes obsessive, selfish.
Everything was like a competition for me growing up, mostly in my education. I guess it’s the way I was made to perceive it. The way my parents always made it seem. I remember in high school, during our inter-house sports, I participated in high jump and came out as the second runner up. The first thing my dad said to me was “the person that emerged first, is he/she Stretch from fantastic four?”, I laughed but was so disappointed that I wasn’t congratulated. I guess it was all part of making me strong, but whether or not that was the case, I promised myself never to engage in any sport I knew I wouldn’t be the winner. Anyway, that was my promise as a teenager, I’ve outgrown that kind of thinking now.
As an adult, I’m still selfish even when I try not to. Sometimes, I go out of the way to be so vulnerable and I end up choking people with “me”. I guess, that’s why my circle is quite small and tight, as just a few can tolerate this kind of character. However, I admire selfless and humble people even when I know I’m not. These two attitudes hold me down all the time, people who have got them never repel me. Although, I’m still working on how to prevent my love for myself from hitting the selfish limit, I still get credit from people who just need someone to talk to them.
I believe I’m not perfect and my imperfections are simply me. I also believe that those who want to stay in my life would come and stay and those who come to teach, learn and leave would do so. In the meantime, I’d embrace all of me and work towards being selfless and more humble.
Have you ever felt like you are being selfish or you obsessively love yourself? I want to know dear bloggers 🙂 Thank you.
Dyna Ekwueme Copyright, 2016.