Daddy issues

Image result for black man and daughter in black and white

Picture gotten from-Pinterest

There are three main things self-reflection may teach a patient mind: self-discipline, acceptance/openness and self-control. There are many ways people may choose to reflect which may either be loud or to the heart.

We are greater than the things we say for ourselves. We restrict our abilities to only what our eyes may have encountered and not fully with our minds and brains. We neglect the paths our hearts may create for us in thoughts of it being fragile and so delicate, forgetting that what’s broken may still be broken again in order for it to mend.

Submission

I’m very aware of reasons why feminists fight to be heard. I don’t blame extreme sexists that pull major chords as I’m intertwined in being non-feminist and sexist at the same time. I break a little when I watch things not add up with submission, when women are ridiculed about their softness. I’ve watched mum for years, I’ve seen loyalty, I’ve questioned her love.  “How can a woman, so powerful, so filled with knowledge be this?” I’ve seen other women too. I’ve watched myself try to grow out of it but it’s a born ritual. It’s my own way of welcoming peace. It’s my only power over the other.

Trust

We can totally be honest with each other but lack this. We can hold hands, laugh, talk about the children and eat in good silence when we are certain about our distrust for each other. Evenings made me believe that the sun may rise at sunset. My sister and I would read conversations with words very familiar with love written by unfamiliar people. We would both lay under blankets and brew gossips about these evenings. We were soul sisters. We grew to hate what men that looked like this do. We still talk about it, we still cry a little over what we’ve known. It’s almost like disappearing from what seems to mean good because we weren’t shown how goodness can be trusted when it’s felt. It’s not normal to be thought of  that way by another, I think every now and then.

I wish I have someone to blame everytime I choose to run with my eyes. I hope everyday for the day I was first heart broken by my eyes to be erased from my head. I don’t want to be reminded of being broken in a place that I should run to when I’m broken. I hate to talk about home to people that don’t feel like home, I don’t hate to run from home because of my eyes and the crotches it walks with when there. I hate the thought that the first man that warmed my hands when I came into this cold world stalls me from breathing into a certain type of peace I crave.

Daddy issues.

 

Dyna Ekwueme Copyright, 2017

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In the Very End #6

When I see old people in the bus, I think a lot before I actually get to my destination. I try so much to picture their young pretty faces under those wrinkles. I hallucinate on how young and vibrant they would have hopped into the bus, climbed up the double-decker and quickly get seated. I sometimes think that they think so too at their very old age. I see wishes written on their faces, wishes of being able to laugh out loud and talk non-stop with friends. Wishes of being young again. I see all that in their sad looking faces. Nonetheless, some of them have lived a pretty much good life and these wishes might be untrue.

I want you today, to picture yourself at the age of 80 in a bus, seated there. What do you think you would be thinking of? Is it the next party that would be hosted in your city by your favourite artist? Is it an old man about your age that you find sweet and cute? Is it what you would wear the next day to impress the media and people around you? Is it the luxury of having tons of meaningless friends? What would you be thinking of? Perhaps, am guessing is when next you are going for a medical check up for either your teeth, foot, waist or eyes. It could be when next you want to feel like you are not alone, calling up your children to speak to your grandchildren and great too or even being a nanny. Let’s also add that you might want to go to church or mosque or a place of worship of your own choice. Think.

In the very end, you Reflect. This reflection comes with regrets of things you should have done whilst you were still full of life. The places you should have been, the people you should have helped, the mistakes you should have corrected, the people you should have dismissed and the kind of heart you should have possessed. In the very end comes non-fulfilment. Today has given you a chance to make right what should, to forgive and let  go, to learn to love and love again, to be happy and satisfied with all you have, to be grateful and value what’s to be valued and to be good in every way. Think.

Its 03:23am and I don’t know what prompted these thoughts but am certain it’s for good and you. #6 is here and seems like a reflection day for me, I’d like to know yours and how it’s going too. Leave your thoughts below. Thank you.

#TheGoodInMe

Dyna Ekwueme Copyright, 2015